Essentially, we made collages.
What those poster boards revealed was who we were. What we thought. How we felt about life and such. Sometimes those revelations were silly. Other times deep. Brooding. The older we got, the more fashion oriented they became. Eventually, they faded altogether.
We became too old to find such creative ways of expressing ourselves.
A year and a half ago I began receiving O Magazine. For the longest time, I didn't know why. Who had sent me this subscription. Then, just before Christmas 2011, I received a card in the mail letting me know my good friend Allison Bottke was the sender and that she was sending another years subscription.
I've been pretty busy this past year; the magazines were flipped through, but not really read. Then, yesterday as Tropical Storm Debby beat down on Florida, I gathered a stack of them and started reading.
A memory of clipping and pasting washed over me.
I'm too old for making poster boards, but I'm not too old for journaling. I started cutting. I went to the office and pulled my journal from its place on my desk. The double-sided tape from its place. I returned to one of the family room sofas (the one nearest the picture windows looking out over an ever-rising lake) and started creatively sticking pictures and words and phrases to pages.
One of those "phrases" reads: WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE.
I taped it to the top of a page and decided I would write what I know for sure, one thing at a time. Not to be hurried. Not to be about others but about me.
I wanted the first thing I wrote not to be something like "That Jesus loves me."
Even though I know He does. For sure. That's more about who Jesus is.
After a while, after pondering, I wrote the first thing I knew for sure: "That I cannot wait for my grandson to be born."
At the end of nearly two very difficult years, this baby is Jesus reminding me how much he loves me. He will bring laughter back to my life. And, prayerfully, he will bring healing. And, the truth about me is that I have been so broken and bruised over these past two years--by Jordynn, by DCF, by Community Based Care of Central Florida, and by certain members of Jordynn's bio-family. Ripped to shreds. Left to bleed on the floor without care. Without compassion. Without pity.
Because of them, I have been afraid to love--to fully love--those I call my own. My children. My grandchildren. My friends and loved ones.
But this child ...
So, what would be the first thing you wrote if you knew something for sure?
One thing I know for SURE is that, with G-d's strength, I can get through anything no matter how hard and painful, and that the "going through" will teach me something about HIM.
ReplyDeleteHe will, and already is, using what you've gone through to bless you and help others, including me. Thank you for what you've shared about your journey.
One thing I know for sure is you need to love your family, your children, and your grandchildren without fear, and I'm so glad you will have a new grandson to love. God is blessing you. He will never leave you empty. He will replace all that you have lost. I know that you will use every pain you've suffered to help others and bless others through the words you write. Prayers and blessings, my sweet mentor. Barb
ReplyDeleteI know that God doesn't waste pain. He revealed this to me through a difficult situation in college, and I've observed it in my life ever since. Does it make the pain hurt less? No. Does it make me desire more heartwrenching situations. Not at all. It doesn't even make me happy--ever. But it does give me a glimpse at a bigger picture that's completely beyond my control, and when I finally wave the white flag of surrender, I find joy.
ReplyDeleteI also know that I like ice cream. In a cone or dish, with cake or pie, in summer and winter. Lots and lots of ice cream.
Eva,
ReplyDeleteSuch a touching post! And what fun to make collages! My bedroom wall was my collage when I was a youngster.
Today I call it scrapbooking. :)
One thing I know for sure is that even when I don't "see" something I know God's doing in the physical, I can trust Him and know for sure that He has it all worked out. Having to move to uncharted territory almost every two years has taught me to trust God to provide all we need, from housing to good schools to a church to call home for the duration of our stay. He even provides us with "family" while we're in a place. So we now have "family" in multiple states. I know God's plan is perfect.
Oh, I forgot to add...I still make collages. I make them on Pinterest and it's so much FUN!!!
ReplyDeleteI really love today's post Eva. Big hugs to you. I'm going to think about your question. It's a good one to ponder. Let me tell you about my collages. I make one per year at the beginning of the year and I put it up so I can see it everyday. Just for me. It's my dream board. This year I made one of all affirmation statements from words cut from magazines. "One smart cookie." "Fearlessness is seeing an opportunity." "Thumbs up." "Frame work." etc. ;-)
ReplyDeleteOne of my phrases I posted in my journal yesterday reads: THIS IS THE YEAR!
ReplyDeleteCarolyn: there ya go! You told me something you know about God and then you told me something you know about YOU! :)
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ReplyDeleteI do a visionboard on the cover of each composition book I start for a new writing idea, which is really just a collage of magazine clippings on the topic. After gluing it down, I cover it with clear contact paper. I love doing visionboards!
ReplyDeleteAs for one thing I know for sure is that I care deeply. About everything. Because I encountered enough uncaring in this world, I care and I pray. And God meets me there and shows me what love really is so that I can keep trying. Grandbaby #3 is due soon:-)
Wow, these posts have been such a beautiful picture of grace and hope, even in dark places. Thanks for letting me listen in.
ReplyDeleteHmmmmmm. I'm really going to take my time thinking about this Eva Marie. AND, I'm going to go through the pile of magazines that have been sitting and waiting for me . . . but with a new purpose :)
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